Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Infertility Disease

I have been terrible at keeping this blog going. Partly because it is so time consuming when you are just learning and partly because I have a lot of other things going on in my life. I have decided to share them here as I don't talk about them otherwise. Sometimes I just feel the need to scream.

For about 10 years now I have been trying to conceive a child. I never had any luck until last June. I found out I was pregnant and was so excited. I did not tell anyone, besides my husband. Well I had to do a lot of ultrasounds since I am over 35. The Monday before the weekend I was going to share the news, I found out I lost the pregnancy. The baby stopped developing between 6-8 weeks. I was heart broken and still cannot understand why all of this is happening to me.

I just found out I was pregnant again in March. I had not even told my husband yet or my doctor as I had decided to tell the doctor after I was 8 weeks so I wouldn't have to have all those early ultrasounds and be worried. By 8 eight weeks they should hear a heartbeat. Anyway I started having pain in my side. At first, I thought I had pulled a muscle, it got more painful and harder to breathe.

I called the clinic and my doctor was on vacation so I had to see someone new. My pregnancy was confirmed and now they are concerned it is a tubal. So I had to come back the next day and see him again. To my surprise they wanted to admit me for emergency surgery right now! I was not prepared for that...I did not care for this doctor and felt very uncomfortable about the whole thing.

I had to call my husband tell him I was pregnant and the rest of it. He was at the lake 2 plus hours away planning to spend the weekend. He came home and got there just as I was going in for surgery. Sweet guy.

I wake up to find that it was not a tubal, but a few large cysts on my right ovary. So instead of removing the cysts the doctor takes my entire ovary and tube! I am still not sure how I feel about that. They say it is no different than having two except that you have less eggs. If I am having trouble conceiving with two how can one be better???

The good news was I was still pregnant... atleast for three more days. I had a miscarriage the following Monday. I called my own doctor's nurse on Tuesday and told them all this and how I wanted to come back to see my doctor. So I got to do that, but still no baby.

I am having a hard time with it all. What to do next? Do I try IVF, surrogacy, adoption or do I just keep trying to have it the natural way. The hard part is my husband has a 21 yr old child. He told me just before he turned 39 I had a year to have a child as he wanted to be done at 40. I did not agree. I told him I wanted more than one child and if it has taken this long why would I agree to a year. I told him I would have children without him if I had to. So he is doing this because otherwise we would be divorced and he did not want that. He will be 41 this yr and he is fine with life as is. So I find it hard to talk to him about it all. But why should all of his dreams come true and none of mine?

I just feel like I am going through it by myself. I just wanted some advice and to see if any of you have struggled with infertility and how you survived it.

Thanks for listening...........

1 comment:

  1. Hi Shelly,I am so sorry for the loss of your precious wee ones....I really don't know what to say but I do know what it is like to want a baby so bad and can't have case was different though because I had gave birth three times a girl,a boy and another baby girl..two years a part. Because of complications I had no choice but to have my tubes cut and tied after the birth of my last daughter...the older my baby daughter got the more I longed for another little one...I cried at night and pray God would intervene and I would somehow conceive another baby..I know it may seem selfish to plead so with God after he blessed me so much already with my three sweet babes but,my longing was so genuine and deep seeded...One day while I was watching a minister on the T.V. he began to prophesy and say...There is a woman name Shelley watching this program and you have been crying and pleading with God to answer your prayer and give you a baby....I want you to know God is sending you that child you have asked for....just trust him and do not doubt...I was praising God and thanking him for I knew I had to be the woman he was speaking to....month after month I waited but,no pregnancy...I still trusted God and just waited for him....about two years niece had two baby boys and wasn't ready to be a mother...she tried but just couldn't manage...I volunteered (happily) to take the youngest! A very sweet baby boy...he came to live with us just before his first B-D....what a blessing he has been ...I got my baby and that longing I had for so long was fulfilled..I may have not given birth to this child but,he was mine and God knew he was going to need me as much as I needed him..I could never love him any less than my three other children that I bore myself...he is about to be 18 in a couple of months.....God is still in the miracle making business...I pray your miracle is on its way....I will pray for you that God will fill your longing as well...I am sorry for such a lengthy post...blessings

    Just trust him and do not doubt